Photo by Savanna Marie Photography
I first became a mother years before I was pregnant with my son. As Abortion Recovery Awareness Month comes to a close and Mother’s Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on women like me who first became mothers to children they felt unprepared for or considered “unwanted,” and ultimately chose to abort.
But how do I explain to you what a woman goes through when she is pregnant with a “wanted” baby after she has already aborted a previous child?
I realize now that women are not often informed of the full spectrum of emotional effects that an abortion can cause, and even if they are, no amount of explanation could properly prepare them for the day they face the truth. One such effect is the impact it will have on a pregnancy that she decides to carry full term. This was definitely something I thought I may experience, but I had gone through studies and gone to a retreat for post-abortive women to hopefully help ease the effects my abortion could potentially have on a new pregnancy.
There were so many layers of emotional damage and trauma laying under the surface of my next pregnancy. Even after going through post-abortive healing, I was weighed down in my new pregnancy. I wept every day during my first trimester with my son. I was thrilled to have this baby, but the thoughts that crept into my head were bred from fear and shame. I did not feel like I deserved to experience pregnancy, nor did I feel like I deserved this baby. The lie that God could be using this pregnancy as a way to “teach me a lesson” was loud, and I had to fight against it every day. I feared losing this baby. Would God allow a miscarriage of this pregnancy because I caused the end of my previous one? Then, after my son was born, I doubted my capacity to love him well. I thought, “I didn’t love my first baby enough to guard her and protect her in the womb,” and I was scared I wouldn’t bond with this new baby that I would actually get to hold in my arms.
But Scripture says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18
Often, we confuse punishment with justice. I believed God would execute justice on me and my unborn son as punishment for what I had done. But the truth is, I had repented and sought reconciliation with my Savior not long after my abortion, and God remained faithful.
He honored the often painful process of repentance and gave me a son. But I was a mom long before. People ask, “How many children do you have?” and only recently have I felt the freedom and boldness to say, “One here and one in heaven.”
Perfect love casts out fear…
There are women out there who still have yet to embrace the truth that they are mothers to the children they chose to abort. This month is dedicated to bringing awareness to what recovery looks like for those women, and recovering motherhood is part of that.
I am a mother to two children. It’s a shame how long it took me to embrace this truth. But God is so kind. He has claimed my story for His own. He has cast out my fear and perfected His love in me and my story, and now, like David said of his child who died – after a week of fasting and praying, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
If you are a Christian and the mother of an aborted child or children, you have this hope too. And praise God for this kindness!
Unhindered has a monthly support group for women with an abortion(s) in their past. It is a unique opportunity to gather around women with similar stories and receive healing and encouragement. If you would like more information, please email or call me – I would love to meet you and fellowship with you!
Jordyn Kingery
(540) 915-2193