Pictured: A model of a 10 week old baby. Chemical abortions using the abortion pill typically occur during the first trimester.
By Jordyn Kingery | Unhindered Director
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this is my fifth October since my abortion. Every October, women everywhere honor and mourn their lost littles – a heart-wrenching experience.
Last October, I found out I was pregnant with my son. This was my first pregnancy since my abortion, and there was a flood of emotions that came with it. Part of me didn’t feel that I deserved this new baby. I had led my last to the slaughter, and felt like God would pull the rug out at any time during this pregnancy as punishment.
But that’s not who God is.
As a woman who made the decision to end her own pregnancy, I struggled to allow myself to mourn the death of my first baby. Even during the month specifically for remembering the babies lost before birth or after, I felt like an imposter. How dare I mourn the child I chose to dispose of? How dare I allow myself to grieve as the mothers who lost their children through miscarriage grieve. There was a lot I had to work through before I was able to mourn and grieve – a lot of healing and processing needed to be done. After going through Forgiven and Set Free, I felt that I could finally humanize my baby. I could remember her and think about her and miss her.
I am allowed to miss her.
After coming home from a retreat specifically for post-abortive women, I heard the call of the Lord. He wanted me to say “yes” to having a child – something I never thought I would do. I got pregnant with my son, and since having him, I think more and more of his half-sibling. I get to see her every day in him. I get to see the parts of me that they would have shared. I allow myself to wonder more about her. Would they have shared the same laugh? He has my nose – would she have had it, too?
As I ask myself these questions, I am now met with the freedom to grieve – not the bondage of guilt. I had held onto my guilt and shame for too long, because I thought it was what I needed to do to remember the darkness of what I had done. I needed to hold it against myself in order to feel the weight of it every day, because that is what I deserved. But that is not what God had for me…
And that’s not who God is.
The Lord, in His mercy and grace, has replaced my shame with glory. He allowed me to see the precious life He created inside of me for who she was – a fellow image-bearer of God.
Ecclesiastes 3:1+4 says, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance”
God has allowed me time and space to mourn my baby. And He has forgiven me; He has redeemed me. Now I can dance in His favor and freedom.
If you have also found yourself in the midst of guilt and shame rather than forgiveness and freedom, you are not alone. Please reach out to me at jordyn@blueridgepc.org or call/text me at (434) 277-3331 to receive information about our post-abortive recovery program, Unhindered. It’s never too late for healing.